One of those moments

On Friday, I was able to treat my class to a little extra recess time. They were ecstatic since our weather has been breaking records at 80*+ many days this week. I, too, enjoyed this change of scenery and it was the first time I'd been able to take my class out this year...now that I know what's happening during my day...usually. As I watched kids run in the wide open space that is my school's property and play tag and play on the playground, I had one of those moments. Those moments when you feel like this is what you've always pictured in your head as your dream job. That this is where God wanted you all along...you just had to wait and be patient.

Today I'm grateful for...those simple moments that help you remember who God created you to be.

The New Teaching Journey Begins

Well, I officially signed my first teaching contract today! I'm going to be teaching 3rd grade and my students start Tuesday which is why this will be the shortest post I've ever written. I'll post pictures and more later! :)

Where are the 'dents' in your life?

(Let me start by saying that even admitting this happened in public is difficult because as many of you know, I pride--see below-- myself on being a good driver.)

A couple weeks ago, I was having lunch with a friend and was leaving the restaurant. Well, this parking lot has these measly 'posts' that I don't really think serve a particular purpose other than being in the way. Anyways, I was backing out trying not to hit the car that was next to me, since they parked too close, and as I turned my head to look back, I heard the most awful sound...ccrrruuunnnccchhhh. OH NO! I was looking back at this point and could not see a thing...that is because this fine little pole, had found itself hiding behind the one corner I could not see between where the side window ended and the back windshield began. Needless to say I have a nice indent on the rear bumper on the passenger side. I went a couple days later to get some estimates since it happened after all the places had closed on a Saturday afternoon. At any other point in my life thus far, I think I would have just melted in shame and balled my eyes out to the point that I was dehydrated but because of all the work God's been doing in my life, I chose to look at the positive side: no one was hurt, no other cars or people were involved, and it really won't matter once I finally am able to get it fixed.

Furthermore, I found myself really examining my pride. I realized that there are quite a few things that I take pride in...ones that don't affect others but rather my own self-confidence and self-concept. Actually, this extends to most things in my life. Those things that I do that are a reflection of myself such as driving, how I decorate and keep my room/office/spaces, my musical/photography/teaching skills, and just about everything else, are the things I put my 'pride' in because I lack self-confidence. This pride is also an extension of the high expectation (my half Type A personality appears here) I have for myself. I don't want to be thought of as a careless driver because I certainly am not, I don't want people to think that I'm not as musical as I portray, I don't want people to know that I'm scared, lonely, and would much rather become a hermit at times. All of these things go against what God wants for me. Satan is trying to attack through these because he knows how much I'm pleasing God with my life...or at least how I'm intentionally desiring and trying to please God with my life and choices.

DE-RAIL with me for a minute: As I write, this song is playing on the radio:

It's What Love Really Means by JJ Heller

I will love you for you

Not for what you have done

Or what you will become

I will love you for you

I will give you the love

the love that you never knew...

These lyrics hang in the air as I am trying to write this because I know that God will love me no matter what I do or who I am as long as I'm in relationship with Him and striving to be closer to Him each day.

BACK ON TRACK: Last weekend, I attended a retreat that was truly life-changing. The theme for the weekend was grace...something I often struggle with. I always thought I understood the concept of grace in my head but believing it in my heart was something I now realize I never did. Growing up, I always tried (and still do) to be a people pleaser so when I would make mistakes, I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and would always get REALLY down on  myself and certainly never extend grace to myself. I felt like I let my parents, or those that were affected, down and couldn't understand why they would still love me and show me grace. I NEVER knew and still struggle with accepting grace in my life...the same with LOVE and FORGIVENESS. Therefore, why would I believe that God could put aside my sin and truly love me when I've let Him down so badly with my sin? This weekend, I felt like I started to understand and accept all of this. One of the most profound things I realized is that I often let the sin in my life paralyze me from allowing God's love and grace penetrate my heart and the remnants of unforgiveness in my life stem from not being able to forgive myself first and extend grace to myself. If I can give these to myself, how can I extend them to others freely?

I think that I already extend grace and love and forgiveness to people at a level beyond my own capacity but truly as evidence of God's work in my life. For example, I have a friend that struggles with his own past sin and felt I couldn't possible love, extend grace to and forgive him despite his sin. But for me, I was able to put all of that aside and love him for who he was with all of his dents and I think it was the first time I've been able to do that without holding on to the little pieces of hurt in our relationship...I was able to truly LOVE him. I could identify with him because our self-concepts were similar, before this weekend of life-change that I was able to experience. He felt that his past sin would keep him from having the good things that God was giving to him and that he wasn't good enough for what God was blessing him with. Unfortunately, I think that we all allow our sin to keep us from experiencing the blessings that God has planned for us.

This song played on my way home from the retreat and I couldn't ask for a better prayer as I left this weekend:

I see each of these things as 'dents' in our lives. Things that keep us from becoming the 'vehicle' God created us to be. We beat ourselves up for each of these dents and until we do the work required...getting estimates and truly letting go and allowing God to "fix" our dents, we won't be able to be the person God created us to be. Where are the 'dents' in your life? Where do you need to give up control?

Discovering I'm a "Turtle"...Are you a "turtle" too?

The turtle/tortoise is known for its hard shell that allows the turtle to retreat upon the threat of any type of danger. These creatures are slow and steady but always "win the race". The one in the photo is somewhat special to me. This was 'aquired' through a pool struggle in La Paz, Mexico with my students last summer (2010). Needless to say, I was going to use it to play a prank on the guys with my girls as they did to us with it but it just never happened...but I'm HAPPY about that because it brings back many awesome memories.

Yesterday, I guess I glanced at the turtle or just thought about it for some reason and I thought about how it can be a similie for people (or at least myself) sometimes. We have a hard shell. We're tough and independent. We're small. We're aware of threats and dangers around us. We EASILY retreat when there is danger or threats to who we are. We don't open up easily. We are often afraid of opening up to those around us because we don't know if we will be good enough. We don't know if they'll accept us. We don't know if we're willing to open our hearts to get hurt by letting others inside of us. However, its when we do open ourselves up to others that we become more confident, we are less afraid of what others will think. I think it's important to remember that our confidence should be in Christ and His work in our lives. He's the one that made our hearts to be shared and made our lives to be shared with one another! He's redeemed us, we're not perfect, we never will be and as much as we try to put on a 'shell' for others to see as our true beauty, there's so much more underneath it and that's where the true beauty lies in each of us. There is a song called Behind The Scenes by Francesca Battistelli that talks about this. The chorus says:

Things aren't always as they seem

You're only seeing part of me

There's more than you could ever know

Behind the scenes

I'm incomplete and I'm undone

But I suppose like everyone

There's so much more that's going on

Behind the scenes 

I think that is true at some level for each of us. We all have things that people can't imagine would be true about us. Just recently, I had someone I am developing a friendship with say they never would imagine that I, of all people, would struggle with depression. She struggles with depression and as I was sharing about what God was doing in my life, I shared that I struggled with it. She said she never would've imagined me saying that. It proved to me right there that we all have things that people don't know about us. Even those people that know us to the depths of our core, or at least we think they do, often don't know some things. I think that it takes a while for us to want to 'come out of our shell' and share our hearts and lives with people. Have you ever had those people that you meet and you feel like you've known forever and you could spend hours upon hours upon hours talking to? Do you feel like these are the people that God uses to help you 'come out of your shell'? I DO! I have been fortunate to have a few of those people in my life. One of those people I met about 2.5 years ago. We met through mutual friends and have been great friends ever since. I remember we started emailing back and forth almost daily (he lived in MN at the time) about our lives and what was happening then or some of the things we'd been through in our lives. Then we would talk on the phone often and we talked with tremendous ease and just enjoyed getting to know each other. The more I learned to trust him, the more I shared. He never judged, he never thought I was a 'crazy person'...okay, well, maybe he did but he didn't make me feel ashamed about those things that made me 'crazy'. He taught me to open my heart again after the previous few years where I had been hurt VERY badly by those who said they were my friends or even those who said they loved me and had put up lots of walls. He taught me that even though there was a chance he would hurt me at some point in time, he cared about me and loved me as a friend despite what I considered to be my immaturity, etc... He gave me a glimpse of God's love...although its something I didn't realize until long after our friendship developed and strengthened. To this day, he continues to support me, encourage me, be my 'cheerleader', be my shoulder to lean on or cry on, my friend that is there NO MATTER what happens! This friend has taught me a lot about what it means to love and to be loved. He has allowed me to open up and share with the world who I am because he cared enough to love me and support me when I felt unlovable and invisible. He believed in me...and still does. Rarely was, or is there, a conversation where he doesn't remind me that I'm important and that I can do whatever I want. He's excited for me when I tell him about new endeavors or what I want to do some day. It doesn't matter to him that I have issues...if we're honest...we ALL do. It doesn't matter to him if I break down in tears over the smallest thing. It doesn't matter to him if I look like a bum. He is there regardless. I'm so grateful to have him in my life each day.

There is another person I have only known for about 1.5 years but he is such a driving force in pushing me towards God. He's always pointing our conversation back to God and how my relationship with God is impacted by whatever we are talking about. He pulls things out of me that very few people do. He pushes me. He CHALLENGES me. I've not had many friends like him. He really shares the truth with love when he sees things going on in my life that I may not recognize or understand because I'm not on the outside. He shares his struggles and excitement with me. His example has really helped me to learn what 'coming out of my shell' looks like. I would say that he has challenged me so much and that my recent growth is largely, if not mostly, due to his proding and encouragement. He cares no matter what.

The other two people I have that are 'those people' that cause me to 'come out of my shell' are my two accountability partners. Although we formed this group in the fall of 2010 out of a desire to have community and wanting to be challenged to grow in our faith and our quiet times with the Lord. These women have been there through some mountains and very deep valleys in the past 7 months or so. They have challenged me to grow as a person, they have been there when I'm feeling completely out of my mind, they have been there when I'm just sobbing my eyes out and they've also been there to encourage me as I've stepped out in faith to start the photography endeavor. These women have helped me learn what it means to be a friend, a sister, a wife and a mother...through their wonderful examples. The three of us are at different stages in life but we are connected through our common bond of Christ and the wonderful friendship we've developed because of God bringing us together.

I always need to remember that I'm beautiful and that no matter what any one else thinks...God created me to be beautiful in His sight and that will never change. Mercy Me has a wonderful song that reminds me of this very important characteristic of Christ. It's You're Beautiful.

Please remember that you are beautiful and that God made you to be who you are, He put you where you are and He's growing you each day...you just have to be open and willing to allow him to do the work in your heart. I love you!

Learning to wait...

The other day, I heard on KLUV (then a friend mentioned it on FB too), they were talking about praying/thinking about a word that describes your coming year. It could be something you want to learn, something you want to be, or some other word that describes where you are in life.

I knew after praying with a dear friend the other day that mine was definitely 'wait'. I thought about 'here' based on a blog post this same friend posted on her wall and who prayed with me on Sunday. I knew as soon as she said it, that it was not a word that was going to go far from me this year nor would it be a theme that lasted only for the week.

Our society has taught us that we can have just about everything when we want it. We have fast food restaurants, we have drive-thru pharmacies, and we have express shipping. We can go to the local courthouse and get married or elope at some exotic spot without thought of dealing with all the details of planning a wedding.

Its when we are in difficult situations that we are least likely to want to wait. We don't like the pain, we don't like the unknown, nor do we like the unsettled feeling we have. I don't think Paul wanted to wait in jail nor do I think he wanted to be there. My guess is that the word "wait" was not something he wanted to hear. He wanted to be out there preaching the Good News alongside others. He wanted to help change lives for Christ.

Right now I'm waiting for a lot. I'm waiting for a classroom of children to teach. I'm waiting for my future husband. I'm waiting until I can have my own place. I'm waiting to be financially independent from my loved ones. I'm waiting to travel. I'm waiting for many other things too. Do I enjoy waiting when I feel these are the desires that God has placed in my heart? Certainly not. Is it easy to feel "chained" by my waiting? Nope. But I do have hope from God's word: "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." -Psalm 27:14 and "I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in His word I put my hope." -Psalm 130:5

What are you waiting for? Do you believe that God will carry out His plan for your good? Are you willing to wait for God's perfect plan and timing in your life? Are you doing what God has for you RIGHT NOW?

Are you willing to wait?

Photography and so much more...

In the almost two months since I last posted, "The Journey" has continued. I have continued to work through the difficult situation that I have previously written about in my posts. God has been doing a lot of work in my heart and in my life. I continue to deal with the emotions and the changes that have occured because of everything but I have found some purpose in it already and am praying that I'll find more. God used a really neat opportunity the other day for me to share basically straight from His Word and point others towards Him and His Will rather than the desires of this world. I had prayed for this opportunity and God provided...in His Timing...not my own.

On to other things...

I have ventured out into a world unknown, well sorta, to me called photography. I have always loved the intrigue and mystery and simplistic beauty of photos. I took a class in high school but we developed in a dark room and the process seemed too daunting for me at that point in my life. With the innovations of DSLR's and so much more, I'm in a new world. I just got a new lense this week and am looking forward to using it in the coming weeks. I have had some friends ask me to do their Christmas photos, etc... I am so thankful for their patience and encouragement as I learn and grow as a "photographer". (I don't like labeling myself a ___________ until I feel confident or actually hold that position--like teacher-- but I've realized that I have to go ahead and say it!) I have a blog devoted solely to photography so you can check it out here if you would like.

Over the last week, I've witnessed some really great things. We had 8 planned and 2 "unplanned" baptisms at our new church. It was encouraging to see that what God has sent us to do is REALLY happening! Then yesterday, I got to witness two very good friends say "I do" to each other FOREVER! It was truly a special celebration of love and God's work in two people's lives. Today, a good friend had her baby shower. Her and her husband moved away this summer to follow a calling God had placed on his heart and its been hard to lose such good friends but God is using them where they are at.

I'm 'ready' to go back to work tomorrow after 9 days off....only for the routine though. I guess payday being Tuesday helps too!

Finding HOPE

I just finished reading a good friend's blog. The last year has been a very difficult and then exciting journey for her and her husband. Her latest post shares her hope in even her deepest time of sorrow for them. Its such an encouragement to see how God has worked in their lives over the past year and drawn them closer to Him. As many of you know, I've recently gone through a difficult situation where God left me completely dependent on Him to be my Healer and Strength. There has been a passage that has stuck out to me through the time I've been struggling and its Romans 12. Verse 12 says "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer". God has been using this as a wonderful reminder that even in the midst of something painful and watching those hurt me continue on, I need to love them and be praying for them and to have HOPE! This I must always remember: "God sent His Son to the cross to bear His wrath for sinners like you and me." - C.J. Mahaney in Living the Cross Centered Life

An Update

In some of my posts last week and weeks prior, I mentioned that I was really struggling to feel like anything was going my way. I am glad to say that God is providing restoration where it is needed and peace where it is needed. He is also teaching me a great deal of patience in dealing with life right now. There is a lot going on still but I know that God is with me every step of the way. I have grown closer to God through all of this and its where I intend to stay. I know that there will be times of great struggle but I also know that Christ will pick me up and there will only be one set of footprints in the sand...when I need it most! Thank you for your prayers and support!

Choose

My mom passed this on from a friend...thought you all might want to read it. What's your choice?

Read this


LET IT REALLY SINK IN......                 THEN CHOOSE...

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, 'If I were any better, I would be twins!'

He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, 'I don't get it!'

'You can't be a positive person all of the time.

How do you do it?'

He replied, 'Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or... you can choose to be in a bad mood.

I choose to be in a good mood.'
Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or... I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

'Yeah, right, it's not that easy,' I protested.

'Yes, it is,' he said. 'Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.

You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life.'

I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, 'If I were any better, I'd be twins...Wanna see my scars?'

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

'The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter,' he replied. 'Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or... I could choose to die. I chose to live.'

'Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?' I asked.

He continued, '... the paramedics were great.

They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action.'

'What did you do?' I asked.

'Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,' said John. 'She asked if I was allergic to anything 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity''

Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.'
He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude....I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.' Matthew 6:34.
After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Thirsting for Him

As of my last post, I was in a really difficult place and was having a hard time seeing what God was doing. On Wednesday, God provided an opportunity for reconciliation. I am so thankful for the way He orchestrated it. It provided relief and I was so excited I could barely speak! I have seen just in the last few days how God is using this as a life-changing experience for me. It has drawn me much closer to Him and I have a thirst for His Word and seeking Him!!!!! One of the things that has really stood out to me and I keep hearing God say to me is, "I am more than enough for you...I'm all you want, I'm all you need..." The words of the song Draw Me Close have been playing in my head since I started singing it with students on our campout on Friday night.... click here to here/see this amazing song and its lyrics. As I link it here, I am listening to it and its giving me goosebumps, I can't even explain the comfort and hope that this song has brought me over the past 48 hours! I'm excited about what God is doing in my life, in my heart and in my relationships with those friends closest to me. We also sang a song in church this morning and the words continue to linger in my heart. It is called Healer by Hillsong:

You're my Healer

You hold my every moment

You calm my raging seas

You walk with me through fire

And heal all my disease

I trust in You

I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer

I believe You are all I need

I believe You're my Portion

I believe You're more than enough for me

Jesus You're all I need

My Healer, You're my Healer

Nothing is impossible for You

Nothing is impossible for You

Nothing is impossible for You

You hold my world in Your hands

Although I felt like my world was falling apart just a few days ago...God has started putting it back together piece-by-piece in His PERFECT timing according to His PERFECT plan which is greater than any plan I could have for myself. Last week, I couldn't have imagined the immense peace and desire for God that I would have at this very moment. I would be lying if I still didn't have lingering pain from the experience but I see God using it in my life and for that, I couldn't be more thankful. I'm looking forward to what God has in store and am grateful for the people he has brought alongside me to continue along my journey!!

My verse for today that I am clinging to...

‎"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith deveops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything..." ~James 1:2-4

I am definitely in the midst of a very trying time in life where just about everything in life seems up in the air. I'm grateful for my wonderful friends and church family that have been supporting me and continue to support me. I am looking forward to the day when I can look back and say "WOW God! Thanks for doing that even though it was NOT FUN at the time!" I know God has a purpose but finding it right now is like trying to find a needle in a haystack!

Mixed Emotions

As I sit here tonight, I look back at my week and all the emotions that have flooded my mind throughout just the last 5 days. I've experienced joy, pain, sadness, sorrow, disappointment, anger, delight, embarrassment, courage, feelings of being overwhelmed, fear, excitement, gratefulness, peace, compassion, frustration, irritability, euphoria and many more I can't even think of right now. There have been moments of each of these, one sometimes followed immediately by another, some lasting for much longer. Sometimes I wonder why God allows me to feel all of these things so close together. I know that He has a greater purpose than what I can see from down here and I'm so grateful!!!

The ache that doesn't want to go away....

Recently, I've really felt God pushing me in new directions and making me think about a lot of different things...most of them scare me and excite me at the same time. My heart feels torn in too many directions and trying to narrow and focus it is easier said than done. I think I want to be doing about 8 things at one time and I'm not sure I have the energy to do all of them simultaneously. Many of them are ministry related in some fashion and others are hobbies that I want to pursue deeper and then there is the ever-nagging ache to be in the classroom and teaching!!!!!!! I have to remember that God has a plan much better for myself than I can ever have but I know that I need to make the most of every day. We never know what tomorrow holds or if we will even have one, so we have to live each day as though it's our last just like Tim McGraw's song Live Like You Were Dying:

He said: "I was in my early forties,

"With a lot of life before me,
"An' a moment came that stopped me on a dime.
"I spent most of the next days,
"Looking at the x-rays,
"An' talking 'bout the options an' talkin’ ‘bout sweet time."
I asked him when it sank in,
That this might really be the real end?
How’s it hit you when you get that kind of news?
Man whatcha do?
An' he said: "I went sky diving, I went rocky mountain climbing,
"I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.
"And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
"And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying."
An' he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,
"To live like you were dyin'."


He said "I was finally the husband,
"That most the time I wasn’t.
"An' I became a friend a friend would like to have.
"And all of a sudden goin' fishin’,
"Wasn’t such an imposition,
"And I went three times that year I lost my Dad.
"Well, I finally read the Good Book,
"And I took a good long hard look,
"At what I'd do if I could do it all again,
"And then:


"I went sky diving, I went rocky mountain climbing,
"I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.
"And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
"And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying."
An' he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,'
"To live like you were dyin'."


Like tomorrow was a gift,
And you got eternity,
To think about what you’d do with it.
An' what did you do with it?
An' what can I do with it?
An' what would I do with it?


"Sky diving, I went rocky mountain climbing,
"I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.
"And then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
"And I watched Blue Eagle as it was flyin'."
An' he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,


"To live like you were dyin'."
"To live like you were dyin'."
"To live like you were dyin'."
"To live like you were dyin'."
"To live like you were dyin'."
 
Please continue to pray for discernment and courage to step out in faith where I feel God leads me!

For those sweet moments....

I am just truly amazed at how God continually brings moments of happiness when I need it most.

Last week, I had a friend that I hadn't talked to in....a long time!!!!!!! We talked for almost half an hour. It was great to catch up and it was great to know that someone was thinking of me.

Then tonight, I was able to talk to a friend that I've had a rocky relationship with over the past 9 months or so. We were able to talk for about 45 minutes and I felt like we had never skipped a beat.

Just little moments of joy when I need it most.

Blessings!